Physicians consulted: 5

Surgeons: 3

PT/OT teams involved: 5

Referrals to PT/OT: 8

ER visits: 2

Bicycle helmets: 2

Procedures requiring general anesthesia: 4

In-office injections (not including above): 4

Wound/post-op care pamphlets: 5

Diagnoses involving right extremity since 2003: 4

Types of oral prescription NSAIDs prescribed since 2003: 3

Meds from which I have experienced so-called fun side effects: 0

Meds with unfun side effects (itching, constipation, nausea, dyspepsia): 4

Surgical dressings: 4

Custom made orthotics: 3

Counterforce braces: 3

Cock-up wrist splints: 2

Weird DME devices: 2

Total dressings/orthotics/DME: 14

Packages of 1-inch Coban (and knock offs): 30

Tubs of therapy putty: 4

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1. Spring 2003: chicken pox. People now comment on my “acne scars”
   1. Ever since, my skin is weirdly sensitive to certain ungents
2. Summer 2003: bitten by raccoons
   1. Had to drive myself to ER
   2. Rabies shots considered “optional” and not part of protocol in that part of the country
   3. I could not afford the shots
   4. Bonus Upside! I did develop rabies
   5. Bonus Downside! I still regret not driving my ass the extra 20 milesto the ER affiliated with my ex’s workplace
   6. Bonus Upside! Driving an extra 20 miles when I was in shock would have been a bad idea
3. Winter 2003: first diagnosis of tennis elbow
   1. Spent a great deal of money I didn’t have on painful physical therapy modalities that didn’t work
   2. Spent a great deal of time on painful and inconvenient PT homework
   3. Bonus Downside! Cue years of questions about my non-existent tennis hobby
   4. Bonus Upside! About a year later, I was blown away by how kind people could be, when friends and friends of friends packed my apartment and cleaned it when I had to move
   5. “Get” to wear a counterforce brace
   6. First in a long series of sexy orthotics (I have creepy proof of this in the archives of a conversation with someone from an online dating site. I declined to either talk on the phone or meet in person.)
4. Summer 2004: my bike tire skidded into a trolley track and physics sent my head to connect with a curb
   1. Insanely painful neck and back aches
   2. Pretty sure I didn’t have a concussion (money and health care being a recurring theme here)
   3. I was wearing a helmet!
   4. Bonus Upside! My then-employer reimbursed me for a new helmet
   5. Bonus Upside! The manufacturer sent me a replacement helmet: Helmet Wardrobe, baybee!
5. Fall 2004: fell over in hallway making out with then boyfriend
   1. This was mostly funny
   2. Especially since I didn’t get a concussion
   3. And didn’t result in anything more than a bruised shoulder
6. Spring 2005: Take my elbow to an orthopedist
   1. Where I re-start the conservative treatment/PT thing again
   2. Where I get a steroid injection into my tendon that hurts like crazy for days before returning to normal level of hurting like crazy
   3. Where I undergo a then experimental procedure (ESWT)
   4. Where PT at this facility continues to be somewhat lackadaisical in terms of professional attention, despite my attempts to explain that while I am smart and observant enough to move from exercise to exercise, I really do need and deserve actual professional attention
   5. Undergo conventional open-incision lateral epicondyle release
   6. Surgeon blows me off when, several months later, I am not improved
   7. Bonus Downside! Later get my hands on the medical records from this facility. After item D, above, I read between the lines in the surgeon’s report where he implies that I am non-compliant and drug seeking. Made the mistake of reading in public, and end up fighting tears in front of other medical professionals
   8. Irony! Pain killers don’t give me any fun side effects. Unless you think that constipation is fun
7. Spring 2008: Hurt my back by reaching across the counter to microwave a bowl of beans
   1. Think too much about that 30 Rock episode in which Liz Lemon has to give herself the Heimlich
   2. Am forever grateful to the radiology techs who used the exact amount of compassion to take off my jeans for X-Rays
   3. Subsequently discover that my back is spasming because my front is so out of shape. Cue mortification
   4. Discover that not all PTs are easily distracted, poor listeners
   5. Work with specific PT who works me through a mixture of adjustments and exercises that actually help
   6. Bonus Upside! My new favorite compassionate physical therapist takes a few minutes every time he sees me to (helpfully) massage and stretch troublesome arms
      
   7. Bonus Downside! Muscle relaxants neither help nor have fun side effects. Unless you think nausea is fun
   8. Bonus Upside! I discover that I frickin’ love Pilates classes
   9. I discover that I cannot afford Pilates classes
      
   10. Grateful for discovering all this in the spring, because Core-fitness wise, I am able to life this guy when, six months later, it becomes tragically necessary:
       

       Howie's Last Morning

8. Spring 2008: Sever the FDP tendon in my right hand, and partially sever the FDS tendon in the same zone
   1. Drove myself to the ER again
   2. At least this time the motivation was that I am just curmudgeonly enough to not want company
   3. Took one of my favorite photos ever while in the ER–one handed:
      

      Sewn up in the ER

   4. Get to tell ER staff that the cause of my injury is “being a dumb ass.” Avocado+dull knife+no cutting board+fatigue
   5. Coworkers tell me repeatedly that it’s “just swollen and you’ll be able to move that finger again”
   6. Ridiculously difficult to get appointment with a hand specialist during spring break. GP is not helpful in working back channels in this process
   7. Meet Awesome Lady Hand Surgeon (ALHS)
   8. ALHS is actually impressed with my Google-fu and confirms that I accurately identified the affected tendons, the zone of injury, and the urgency of surgical repair
   9. Bonus Downside! Return to work to early and there fore lose ground on back injury recovery and return for remedial PT
   10. Bonus Upside! The look on the physical therapist’s face when he notices my bulky surgical dressing is priceless
   11. Bonus Downside! Nuking my left hand increases reliance on right arm and causes massive flare in epicondylytis
   12. Excellent physical therapist realizes that the combination of three injuries means I haven’t slept in weeks and frog marches me down to the MD, who prescribes a medication that actually gets me to both fall asleep and stay asleep
   13. Bonus Upside! I have trust in AHS to pursue treatment in damn elbow
   14. AHS has much tidier stitchery than douchey former ortho
   15. Bonus Upside! Discover my awesome OT likes crepes–feeding people makes me happy, and is a way to say thank you
       
   16. Also, my friend guppy seems to get a kick out of these photos
       

       The Monster of Loch Putty

       

       Volar side of splint

9. Summer 2008: Pursue treatment for my old frenemy epicondylitis
   1. In which everything starts with conservative therapy and a counterforce brace
   2. Occupational therapist pays attention and doesn’t do hurty stuff
   3. AHS says don’t wear the counterforce brace if it hurts; she’s not seen good results with them anyway
   4. AHS orders MRI (now why didn’t ask douchey surgeon for an MRI–can you say naïve?)
   5. MRI shows additional action: radiocapitellar chondromalacia and compression of my ulnar nerve
   6. Bonus Downside! I am extraordinarilly bummed to still have one condition that should be at least partially fixable but sticks like poop on a shoe accompanied by osteoarthritis
   7. Bonus Downside! Most people think bum elbow means I have lifting limitations but can do “everything else”. Hearitly sick of explaining it
   8. AHS and I try some sort of aspiration procedure. Hurts to do, provides some relief, but not for the duration it should.
      
   9. Eventually get referral to Sports Medicine Guy (SMG), because AHS surgeon thinks I would benefit from a second epicondylectomy, done arthroscopically, and some lesion clean up
10. Winter 2009: Elbow arthroscopy
    1. SMG guy does his arthroscopy release and lesion clean up. I am tidy inside and out.
    2. No crazy huge post surgical dressing or splint. Arthroscopy is cool!
    3. Bonus Downside! In the absence of these, my coworkers and supervisors have a hard time understanding that I need ongoing medical treatment, time off, and other stuff injured people need
    4. SMG is a good listener, and continues to monitor my slow progress
    5. Finally, mid summer while holding something important to me, I draw lines all over myself with a marker showing the hurtyness, the numbness, and what shoots in what direction while holding this
       

       Let me be clear: not only was holding this lovey with my right incredibly painful, just anchoring a binky for her with my right index finder damn near made me scream

    6. SMG ordered neuro study which showed median nerve damage (carpal tunnel) but no damage to my ulnar nerve
    7. SMG ordered an MRI which revealed ulnar nerve compression–increased compression. Sends me back to AHS
    8. Realize that despite all this medical care and surfeit of bicycle helmets, I probably won’t ever be able to bicycle without damaging myself.
       
11. Fall 2009: Ulnar Nerve Transposition and Carpal Tunnel release
    1. Once we decide on a direction, AHS lets me schedule this at my convenience on a weeks notice
    2. I’m still recovering, and end up needing meds for neuralgia, because swelling is a bitch
    3. The Carpal Tunnel release was because
       • The Neurologist demonstrated damage
       • I could feel its effects even though they were over shadowed
       • I would already be asleep
       • I had met my deductible
       • And with my luck I would end up needing it anway
12. Fall 2009: This week
    1. AHS determines that ongoing owieness on ulnar (pinky) side of my wrist might not be because of upstream nerve pressure
    2. Additional diagnosis? Tendonitis (more of it)
    3. Injection, antiinflamatory gel, different splint

<Insert holleration of frustration here>

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Her surgeon for this one had two key traits you want in your surgeons in general–cockiness and meticulousness. My informal survey of CVSU nurses agreed as to these traits being desirable. That is  in addition to the kind of things you can look up on healthgrades and the like with respect to number of procedures, survival rates, and so forth.

Mom has gotten tinier over the course of all this, which brings up the question: how the hell did she have room for over two feet of enlarged artery?

She was hospitalized for about 10 days, and then lived with Shaggy and me again for an additional five weeks or so. Dad’s leg had recovered, but after round one, we determined that it would best if she stayed with me again. We had routines for bathing, language for helping her move around, and so forth.

The pain for this procedure is brutal. The incision went from her shoulder blade and spiraled around to her pubic bone. And, as one of the CVSU staff pointed out, not only are there issues with protecting her spine, protecting her renal system,they basically have to get  a bunch of pesky other organs out of the way.

She’s still improving–has followup with her internist next week, where I’m sure the encouragement for dietary reform will -become serious. On the other hand, thanks to a cardiac rehab facility and program, she’s exercising more deliberately in years, and I am 99% certain she no longer smokes.

My sister and I like to remind her of one excellent motivator to continue to improve her health, including pursuing the harder to implement lifestyle items:

She still describes the night we went to the ER as a catastrophe. We like to remind her of what one of her CVSU nurses called it: Her Lucky Day. Ours too.

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